(no subject)
Pete
pooloftears
I'll find you when the Sun goes black.

(no subject)
Pete
pooloftears
Love. Gimme love, gimme love. I don't need it but I'll take what I want from your heart and I'll keep it in a bag- in a box, put an X on the floor. Gimme more, gimme more, gimme more.

Yes, I loooooove cats!
Pete
pooloftears
Anyone looking to save an animal?
Today and tomorrow the ASPCA is giving all cats over the age of 3 to qualified adopters at no charge.
If you're a cat lover, come by and led a hand, or at least come to play with the kitties!
Adopt-A-Shelter-Cat Event
Saturday from 11am - 7pm
Sunday from 11am - 5pm

ASPCA Adoption Center
424 East 92nd Street
NY NY 10128
212-876-7700
ASPCA.org/ascm

(no subject)
Pete
pooloftears
Honey, get your gun.

(no subject)
Pete
pooloftears
Well well well. Where the hell am I?
I'm at the computer lab in school, about to be late for my Ethics class but I decided to jump on here for a moment because, well, I kinda felt like I needed to.
I just got inducted into the Honors Society, Phi Theta Kappa. The ceremony was great and the moment was one to be proud of, but I felt something I hadn't expected to feel. It was the same feeling I had after winning the Tri-State Jiu Jitsu Championship last year. I was sad. More than sad, depressed and doing my best not to show it to all. Why the hell couldn't I just be happy? All of a sudden I missed my mom, I missed Brenda, I missed Jhane and Jennifer and I missed summers at Missy & Dana's. I missed skateboarding and knowing what summer smells like. I missed running for the hell of it and not cause I want to keep my gut in check. I missed actually liking the rain, I missed that flowershop on 64th and Roosevelt and while on that note, I missed PizzaVideo. Wholly cow do I miss my sister smiling, knowing she knew little about the world, I miss dancing, and David Bowie and cereal. I miss cereal.
Don't get me wrong, I like the direction I'm going. I'm becoming someone. I'm doing things I never thought(but always knew) I would have the capacity to do, and I'm kicking ass at it. It's mine. I am earning my medals. But dear god, am I exhausted. I spend 18 hours a day working to some capacity. If I'm not putting all my energy into my job, then I'm putting it into my studies, which don't stop when you leave the classroom. Cooking has become a luxury to me as the time needed to do so is fleeting. I'm grown up. I got it. There was never any doubt about that. My issues focus on the fact that I am both happy and unhappy with what I am doing. I see the potential I have and wish I could reach it in all aspects of my life.
Maybe that’s my issue; I’m trying too hard to promote my self-interest.
I’m 5 minutes late for class now, and I’m sitting here trying to think up the next line. Treating this as if it were a paper.
I’ve got the pin in my hand. It has the Greek letters PTK written upon it. I’ve dropped it 3 times already. I am so tired, and it’s only gonna get worse, and luckily for me, that’s when I’m at my best.

(no subject)
Pete
pooloftears
Looking out the window of the train as I made my way home today gave me a sense of deja vu, only it wasn't like I had lived that moment once before, it was like I had lived it 1000 times. I suddenly missed Dover and being irresponsible and long ridiculous parties with 'down to Earth' art people, a fucking rarity in this universe. As put together as I thought myself to be, I really was a complete fuckup. Quiet, disheveled and hopefully optimistic that the qualitative traits within me would shine brighter than arrogant self-affirmation. Dumbass.
I feel gross, like I'm overweight or something, like I'm a slob. I'm not at the moment but I feel it.

Summer is generally thought to encapsulate the best memories of the year, not always true but it's easy to see how it's the 'go to' season since in Winter everyone and their mothers are freezing their balls off. I was trying to remember what was so great about last summer and as almost everyone inevitably does, I started regretting what little I did during those months. It felt like I was baby sitting, like I was too busy worrying about emotions and perceptions and directions and THAT WAS NOT FUN.
Too busy, too sick, too pressured for anything resembling an entertaining life, it's really quite annoying. I just want to relax. (Well then relax) House of cards, my friend. And it's on my shoulders while I balance myself on this exercise ball. But I guess that's my point. I know where I am and I know how I got here. Choice. I don't need you to tell me how fucking easy it is to blow it all away (thanks though, 'cause I'm a fucking idiot). I'm kicking ass in school, I have a blue belt in BJJ and I have a daughter that is funny, cute and just overall amazing, but I am so unfulfilled. What the hell happened? Time is a motherfucker. It's alway had it in for me. My family hasn't helped. They try (I guess) but what help they can give me is easily provided by myself for myself. I'm not starving, so the offer of food, as nice as it is, is simply a small contribution to my goal of getting a degree, with all A's, leading me to a career that will better set me up to take care of Tiffy and in turn help her get into college. Where is the support guys?
So what now? A new year where I'm pulling out my hair and slamming into walls, or let that house come crashing down?
As much as I love everyone around me, I gotta play at 52 pickup. You know I'm a damn good person to have in your life. You've seen it, you've felt it and no amount of doubt or lies should cover that.
Don't worry, I'll pick up a card or two for you, but live life without a safety net for a while. It'll change your perspective on shit.

So... you've all got a choice here and I'll spell it out for you. Notice me fade into the back lights of the club and watch me relax for a bit, or get mad that I'm here but not here anymore, threaten me with something I love and then walk away, because I've gotta warn ya, I'm gonna call your bluff, and then we will both live with the consequences of our decisions, only difference is, I will know and survive, and you might have to lie to survive. I made the mistake of thinking I was necessary. An old friend showed me I was wrong. I'm just as important as the bum sitting next to me on the train, and the slick dressed profession who can't stand the smell of ass.
You can live an amazing life without me. I've seen it happen! But you can also live an amazing life next to me.
So stand over there for a while. Watch me leave and die and come back again, because I promise that if I love you, I will do everything humanly (and sometimes even inhumanly) possible to protect you. BUT ONLY WHEN YOU NEED IT. I wont let you drown, but I'm not swimming for you. I'll catch you if you slip, but not if you jump. I'll carry your weight, but you're gonna have to carry mine.
Take it or leave it buddy. You've got some thinking to do.

I feel like I miss things I've never even had.

(no subject)
Pete
pooloftears
cuddles = good medicine.

(no subject)
Pete
pooloftears
Alright. That's enough. I've been sitting in my room for the better part of a week feeling sorry for myself and damn near falling into depression. I've had it.
I haven't had any real leads into a reliable job, probably because who want to interview during the holidays? I made the mistake of letting that get to me and I kinda retreated a bit. But I start school up again tomorrow and I haven't got time for jibba jabba. These past two weeks off school have been a cold lonely mess and I'm excited about studying again and driving myself to an awesome grade.
I need a job, that much is clear. I've been looking outside of the court reporting industry because I feel like I've gone as far as I can go there and I need something that correlates with my career of choice. I need to be doing research, writing, interacting with unstable personalities and emotions, anything that assists in my development as a Research Psych.
Blah whatever. I just don't like being in limbo. And I don't like bothering my friends. I've been trying to get through this on my own, and I know that's silly, but honestly, everyone is dealing with some form of drama/bullshit and I don't feel like putting my achy breaky irrelevant sadness on their plate.
I need a burrito.

(no subject)
Pete
pooloftears
So I got fired today. Yeah. That's awesome.
*edit* To be fair, I was laid off, not fired. But as far as I'm concerned, they both mean I don't have a job today.

I fucked up so royally
Pete
pooloftears
Today I lost a piece to my Batman belt buckle. I have never worn this one and the first time out, I lose the freakin symbol. It's just a silver freakin oval now. So upset.
Hard day at work. It feels like the pin is being observed with smiling eyes. Someone wants me to fuck up. Someone wants me to get caught. Someone wants to tell me 'I told you so.' It's affecting my productivity. That's fine. I'm not counting on a bonus check this year anyway.

I screwed up on my Psych test last week. I honestly don't know if I can rebound from this. I didn't study properly, I didn't give myself time, I didn't fucking make time and I got a goddam 85. A gooddam 8fucking5. This means the best I can hope for is a B+ by the end of the semester. Bfucking+. The teacher confirmed it. She said that's where I'm at right now. B+. A Psych major. With a B+. Shoot me in the fucking head. Goodbye honors, goodfuckingbye leadership program next year. I'm already getting no more than a B in English, even with my A on the last essay, an A on my research project and an A on my Final, which is tomorrow by the way, there's no way I can get more than a B. So 2 B's and possibly 2 A's, if I'm fucking lucky.
Yes I'm complaining about irrelevancies, but if and when my sister Lisa dies, and it's up to me to raise Tiffy you tell me how 2 goddam B's is going to feed and cloth and send her off to college.
I'm not looking to be an A student for my own selfish reasons. I'm looking to be the best I can be to help the people who will and currently do depend on me, so I feel I have every right to down myself for my ridiculously irresponsible actions. It's not just my future at stake here.
Fuck.

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