- (no subject)
- February 14th, 2010
Looking out the window of the train as I made my way home today gave me a sense of deja vu, only it wasn't like I had lived that moment once before, it was like I had lived it 1000 times. I suddenly missed Dover and being irresponsible and long ridiculous parties with 'down to Earth' art people, a fucking rarity in this universe. As put together as I thought myself to be, I really was a complete fuckup. Quiet, disheveled and hopefully optimistic that the qualitative traits within me would shine brighter than arrogant self-affirmation. Dumbass.
I feel gross, like I'm overweight or something, like I'm a slob. I'm not at the moment but I feel it.
Summer is generally thought to encapsulate the best memories of the year, not always true but it's easy to see how it's the 'go to' season since in Winter everyone and their mothers are freezing their balls off. I was trying to remember what was so great about last summer and as almost everyone inevitably does, I started regretting what little I did during those months. It felt like I was baby sitting, like I was too busy worrying about emotions and perceptions and directions and THAT WAS NOT FUN.
Too busy, too sick, too pressured for anything resembling an entertaining life, it's really quite annoying. I just want to relax. (Well then relax) House of cards, my friend. And it's on my shoulders while I balance myself on this exercise ball. But I guess that's my point. I know where I am and I know how I got here. Choice. I don't need you to tell me how fucking easy it is to blow it all away (thanks though, 'cause I'm a fucking idiot). I'm kicking ass in school, I have a blue belt in BJJ and I have a daughter that is funny, cute and just overall amazing, but I am so unfulfilled. What the hell happened? Time is a motherfucker. It's alway had it in for me. My family hasn't helped. They try (I guess) but what help they can give me is easily provided by myself for myself. I'm not starving, so the offer of food, as nice as it is, is simply a small contribution to my goal of getting a degree, with all A's, leading me to a career that will better set me up to take care of Tiffy and in turn help her get into college. Where is the support guys?
So what now? A new year where I'm pulling out my hair and slamming into walls, or let that house come crashing down?
As much as I love everyone around me, I gotta play at 52 pickup. You know I'm a damn good person to have in your life. You've seen it, you've felt it and no amount of doubt or lies should cover that.
Don't worry, I'll pick up a card or two for you, but live life without a safety net for a while. It'll change your perspective on shit.
So... you've all got a choice here and I'll spell it out for you. Notice me fade into the back lights of the club and watch me relax for a bit, or get mad that I'm here but not here anymore, threaten me with something I love and then walk away, because I've gotta warn ya, I'm gonna call your bluff, and then we will both live with the consequences of our decisions, only difference is, I will know and survive, and you might have to lie to survive. I made the mistake of thinking I was necessary. An old friend showed me I was wrong. I'm just as important as the bum sitting next to me on the train, and the slick dressed profession who can't stand the smell of ass.
You can live an amazing life without me. I've seen it happen! But you can also live an amazing life next to me.
So stand over there for a while. Watch me leave and die and come back again, because I promise that if I love you, I will do everything humanly (and sometimes even inhumanly) possible to protect you. BUT ONLY WHEN YOU NEED IT. I wont let you drown, but I'm not swimming for you. I'll catch you if you slip, but not if you jump. I'll carry your weight, but you're gonna have to carry mine.
Take it or leave it buddy. You've got some thinking to do.
I feel like I miss things I've never even had.